This is something I kept for quite a while now, but after chatting with my friend about this topic, I told myself that I can't bottle it up anymore and that I need to let out all my feelings. Sorry for the long journal, I just had to throw everything out...
Filli is a Russian Dwarf Winter Golden Hamster I got for my birthday on 2011. She's a real sweetheart and lovable little darling. In her younger days, she was very active and loves to perform tricks to impress me. She can do tricks like walking and running on two legs, jumping into my hands from a distance of maximum 15 cm, run through tunnels, climb bars and many more tricks. I was very proud of her. She's also very affectionate, she usually showed it by kissing me (yes, really kissing me) and licking me. I love my little Fei Po (
But that's all over. Filli is gone now... She passed away on the 2nd of May at 11:30 pm...
Filli was the first actual pet I grew to love. I cried for weeks after she left, I didn't want to go to school in the morning when my mother told me that she passed away the night before, I cried in school and I cried when I buried her. But I forced myself to control my tears, I kept whispering to Filli that its okay for her to go, that I love her, that she was good girl and that she will be in a better place. Oh god, I'm crying again...
I left Filli with my cousin when I left for Australia sometime around the end of March. I could trust him for he himself have been keeping hamsters for a long time. When we returned after two weeks, my cousin brought Filli back home. My mother warned me not to get too close to Filli at first, for she was afraid that Filli might not recognize me. Nevertheless, I couldn't help it. I picked Filli up and I realised a few things at that moment. One, Filli lost a lot of weight, which was very weird for Filli, for all I know has a bottomless pit for a stomach and was always chubby to the point her that nickname is 'Fei Po' (chubby girl in Cantonese). Two, Filli's fur was all matted, like she hadn't groomed herself in days. Three, Filli has these little holes which went through her delicate ears, like earring holes. Unlike what my mother expected, Filli began to lick my hand all over and rubbed her nose and muzzle against my palm, she even looked up at me with those sad, black eyes which seemed to say 'Mommy, I missed you...'. I broke down at that point, tears leaked out of my eyes (I cry easily) and I hugged Filli while apologizing continuously to her.
Filli got a little better after that, but her appetite decreased as well as her activeness. I was sad that my jumpy little chubby baby wasn't like how she was before, but I told myself that Filli is still Filli and I still love her to bits. One thing that increased tenfold after Filli missing me is that our relationship became closer. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with Filli to make up for lost time, like eating lunch with her, letting her explore different parts of the house (which was prohibited by my mother before), letting her try new toys and more.
One of my favourite memories with Filli during that period was one day when we were eating lunch together as usual. I took Filli's special dish and placed a few rice on it. I left her to eat first while I pour myself some tea, but when I turned back, Filli was eating MY LUNCH from MY BOWL! She placed her paws into my bowl of marmite soup rice (yes, I'm weird) and was lapping at the soup. I gently took her away and poured the part of the rice and soup away while I gave her the dish of rice. As I ate, she kept coming over to lap at my soup so I finally gave her a little on her dish. Naughty little Filli lapped at the soup in her dish a little before coming back to mine. I sighed and took part of the rice out and gave her the rest. She happily padded into my bowl and ate the rice and drank the soup. I took her out after a while to make sure she doesn't drink too much marmite soup, for I'm sure that's not what hamsters are supposed to drink, and gave her a bath. (She didn't enjoy that part.)
Sometime around mid-April, I was playing with Filli when my mother called me over to discuss some matters. I held Filli in my hands while standing and discussed the matter with my mother. Suddenly, Filli jumped out of my hands and onto the floor. It was a very high jump for a hamster... I looked at Filli in horror. She was sprawled on the floor motionlessly with her eyes closed. At that moment, me and my mother thought that it's all over, she's gone...
But then, she opened her eyes again and wriggled onto her feet before limping away from me. I cried in relief before I picked her up gently as not to hurt her and gave her a few strokes and kisses before putting her into her fluffy bed. I told her to rest after I checked her for any wounds and I was relieved to find none. Her walking went back to normal so I thought that she'll be fine.
On the 2nd of May, at around 9 pm, I was playing piano while my brother played with Filli. He told me to take a look at Filli for Filli seemed very weak and wouldn't play with him. I told him that I'll check on her later after I finish the song, but I didn't. I went to bed and I swear, I was RPing with my friends from a group I recently joined. I heard my mother praying very loudly outside and I just ignored it and went to sleep.
In the morning, as usual, I went out for a drink of water. I was surprised to see my mother awake as she isn't usually up then. Ignoring that, I groggily went for a drink of water, when my father said those words like it was nothing.
"Filli died already."
I was shocked, frozen on the spot. I rushed to Filli's cage and peered it, she wasn't there... She was in a nice little box my mother used as her coffin. I couldn't accept it then, I ran to the bathroom and cried into my towel. Then, I wanted to tell someone, anyone! I wanted to tell my sadness and my reluctance to let go. Unfortunately for me, on Skype, no one was on and my friends in school probably left already.
Heartbroken, my mother told me and my brother to write a goodbye note to Filli. Then, we had problems deciding where to bury Filli for we live in a condo. My parents suggested that we bury her near the car park, but I refused and suggested that we bury her in my aunt's backyard where they buried their old hamster Winter.
Before I left for school, me and my brother went to open Filli's box. I regretted it, for my barely controlled tears came flooding again. I thought that I wouldn't be able to go to school with my teary face, but my parents forced me to.
It was raining that morning. Just perfect... Spoiling my day even more. Since it was raining, I went to my class instead of gathering at the hall. I went to find my friends and I bawled out all my feelings. Now, I want to thank
for being there to listen to me...
For the whole journey down to my aunt's house, I was crying non stop. Since I was a Tibetan Buddhist, my mother told me to chant to Filli, but I soon found myself singing a song in Tibetan to Filli, as well as a Chinese Buddhist song which soon became the song which reminds me of Filli.
Before me, my brother and cousin covered the hole we dug with soil, I decided to see Filli for the last time. Again, I regretted. I sobbed loudly, loud enough for even my aunt to hear from her bedroom. I kept telling Filli that it's alright. I told her to leave and that she was a good girl, the best hamster I've ever loved. I kept reminding her that we love her, we will always love her.
After Filli left, another 'Little Filli' (as my Mom calls her) came to live with us, stud little Peony. Peony is a Russian Dwarf Winter White Hamster, she's currently 2 months old. I'm still in the progress of taming her and bonding with her. It's getting better day by day now.
I love my new hamster Peony too, but Filli still has a place in my heart. I admit it, sometimes when I'm angry at Peony, I would tell her how Filli is better than her, and how I wish that Filli is still here instead of her. But, I still have to understand, Filli is Filli, Peony is Peony. They're both unique in their own adorable way...
Today, it's Filli's 49th day since the day she passed away. In Tibetan tradition, the family of the deceased person or animal have do long sadhanas (prayers) for the deceased person or animal, especially every 7th day. This period lasts for 7 weeks, so 7x7 equals to 49. Today is Filli's last day to liberate herself, but I believe that she already has. She have gone to a better place... a better rebirth...
We love you very much Filli. Thank you so much for everything. You've written many happy chapters in our lives. Thank you for all the memories, for being such a good girl. Continue being a good girl in your next life okay?
Mommy will always love you. You'll always be in our hearts.